From my experience, the most essential skill for our children to learn is the ability to communicate as effectively as possible, verbally and nonverbally, and eye contact is part of the communication process.
Unfortunately, at one point, I thought it was more important for my child to have a well-rounded education and learn math, social studies, and science. I thought my daughter needed to learn a little of everything to succeed in this world. I was wrong!
We would review the homework and classwork with her, and we believed she understood the material when, in fact, she was memorizing the information without any context or comprehension.
Many years later, I realized that none of the other knowledge mattered if she could not effectively communicate. It took a neurologist to point that out; it was a few years too late. By then, my daughter could repeat information she had heard or read without comprehending the material.
We quickly realized that we needed to pivot and ultimately put our focus on communication, and we did!
We began, first, by re-establishing the importance of eye contact, which proved to be a bit difficult because we had stopped being consistent. We had spent so many years working with this skill, at home and in therapy, that we had moved on from it.
Much progress had been made in the younger years, but unfortunately, other skills took precedence, and eye contact dropped down on the list of skills to be practiced.
If you have a young son or daughter who is on the Autism Spectrum, I am going to tell you what truly helped my daughter with her eye contact when she was younger, and I will explain how we addressed it as a young adult.
Also, if you have yet to notice, I would like to tell you that looking at emojis, stickers, and drawings of faces with eyes sometimes causes our children to look away. It all has to do with the eye contact struggle.
Table of Contents
- Ways to Improve Eye Contact in a Child Who Is on the Autism Spectrum
- Improving Eye Contact in Adults with Autism
Ways to Improve Eye Contact in a Child Who Is on the Autism Spectrum
When our daughter was younger, we did many things to help improve her eye contact. Of all the things we did, I will only list and explain the ones I felt truly made a difference.
1. Puzzles or Objects to Improve Eye Contact in Children on the Autism Spectrum
Once our daughter was diagnosed with autism and we realized that maintaining eye contact was problematic, we began researching ways to improve it.
We read about puzzles helping improve eye contact in children with autism, so we began introducing wooden puzzles early on.
I would hold the next piece of an incomplete puzzle to my eye, and my daughter would have to ask for it verbally. She would automatically look up because I was holding the puzzle piece. This encouraged her to use her verbal skills and eye contact simultaneously. I would immediately praise her for looking up and requesting the missing piece.
In addition, you can use the same technique when your child requests an object. For example, if your child wants a cookie, you could hold the cookie next to your eye, and when your child looks at you, praise and give your child the cookie. This will reinforce eye contact.
2. Flashlight Game to Improve Eye Contact in Children with Autism
Another fun activity we used to do when our daughter was young, to improve her eye contact, was to lower the lights in the room and use a flashlight to spotlight different objects. One person would flash the flashlight on an object, and another would have to say what they saw.
This allowed my daughter to follow with her eyes, improving her eye tracking. It also helped her verbal skills since she needed to name the object. If required, we would assist her in naming objects, which helped her develop a richer vocabulary.
Please beware that you should only play this game if your son or daughter is not scared of the dark. Some children are terrified of the dark, so it would not be a good game for them.
Our daughter was unafraid of the dark, so we made it fun by pretending we were camping. We only lowered the lights or had night lights plugged in, so it was never completely dark. You could always see. She used to love this game!
3. Pausing Conversation to Improve Eye Contact in Children with Autism
The last thing that helped the most was talking to her and pausing the conversation if she stopped looking at my face. I say my face, not my eyes, because looking straight at my eyes was tough for her.
After a few pauses, she recognized that I would stop talking if she did not look at me, so she returned her gaze to my face because she wanted to hear what I had to say.
What worked even better was orally telling her one of her favorite stories and pausing when she stopped looking at my face. Since she knew the stories, she would know there was no pause in the story, making her look up immediately.
After each eye contact attempt, I would praise her, to increase her responses. This simple action made a huge difference.
Improving Eye Contact in Adults with Autism
As I mentioned above, many things we did when our daughter was younger, as listed previously, drastically improved my daughter’s eye contact, but none completely corrected the issue. For years, I tried to figure out why my daughter would not look into my eyes.
Now, as a young adult, she has been able to clarify why she cannot look into a person’s eyes when communicating. She said it the best, so I will quote her exact words. She said, “It makes me feel uncomfortable to look at somebody’s eyes.” I asked her why she felt uncomfortable, and she said, “I guess that’s the way I am.” Wow! Wow! I am so proud of her for standing up for herself this way. You have no idea how far she has come!
Therefore, to improve eye contact in an adult with autism, I would encourage the adult to look at a facial feature close to the eyes, but I would not expect them to look straight into the eyes if it makes them uncomfortable.
For example, if not the eyes, I asked my daughter what would make her feel comfortable looking at when communicating. She said she would feel comfortable looking at the space between the eyebrows. We tried it, and it worked well.
To practice, I told her to tell me about her day. She was able to keep her gaze on me, and even though she was not looking into my eyes, it felt like she was. This would be a great compromise, only if the adult in our life feels comfortable doing this.
If not, please listen to what they prefer. We must respect their wishes because they are no longer the children we guided when they were younger, based on our understanding. Once they can communicate verbally or nonverbally, we must respect their wishes. We should not expect them to change to fit into our molds. How uncomfortable is it for them to look into somebody’s eyes? I do not know, but according to my daughter, it is very uncomfortable. If you want to learn more about eye contact avoidance, please CLICK HERE to read an article from ARI – Autism Research Institute.
As parents, we must fight some battles and make peace with others. What you accept or fight will depend on your child and who they are as wonderfully made human beings. We were chosen to be their parents for a reason only God knows, so we are here to guide them on Earth to fulfill their purpose, not our expectations.
We are so blessed to have been given this mission in life. Enjoy the journey, as difficult as it sometimes is, because one day we will be grateful that we gave it our best.
If you would like to learn more about other autism signs, please CLICK HERE, and if you would like to find out more about the different evaluations we went through in diagnosing our daughter, please CLICK HERE.
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